Struggling with the Peace

So, back in December I wrote about our decision to stay up north, and finally being at peace with that decision for the first time in years. Unfortunately, that lasted up until Mid March, and it has since faded again. Ugh.
I was really excited. It was the first winter that I got through really well, kept a positive attitude about the crappy winters, etc. Then March rolled around. We were hit with a few really bad snow storms. One time the heavy snow and winds even broke tons of branches off trees, or even the trees themselves; and weighed so heavily on wires that some homes were out of power for days (and trapped at home due to bad road conditions). We were "lucky" and only lost power for 6 hours. I am just thankful that we have a fireplace, because it got cold pretty quickly before we had started a fire.
So not only did we have a few bad snow storms in March (which is pretty common), but we also had a couple of light snows and even another big storm in April. Mid April. We have on occasion had some light snow early April, but never this late or this big. It's now April 25, and things are just now blooming. Finally some pops of color and some flowers, but we had a later start than usual. It's been rough.
It's really difficult though because I continue to feel so torn always. I just hate it here (at least I do for the 6 cold months). I am so thankful to have the times with family that I know I would have missed out on had we lived down south. And I am happy that we live in a safe area and have a fantastic education system for our kids. And yes, after 5 years I finally have found some nice friends and nice people. Still, some days it doesn't feel enough.
If I take all emotion out of it, I look at it as it's just a vessel. It's just a way and a means to have our family in our lives, and give our kids a good education, then I can get through it ok. But other days I can't. I am not just a "head" person, I also use my heart. And I am the type of person that I put my heart into everything--my relationships, my job, my home, etc. And this place just does not represent my heart at all.
Greenville, with the exception of the fact that we didn't have our family, reflected ME in every way. It was probably the first time I felt at "home" somewhere in my whole life. Brooklyn definitely wasn't me, Gansevoort NY definitely wasn't me, South Jersey was ok, but that was my schooling. Pennsylvania definitely wasn't me, it was just a means to save for our wedding. North Jersey definitely isn't me. But Greenville was just right. It reflected me with the warm weather, things flowering and blooming all year long, crisp and clean new buildings, (mostly) very friendly kind people, people who had faith, a beautiful neighborhood with a beautiful lake that we walked around each day. The feeling that all the world was good when there. My home, which wasn't my "dream home" (but I still loved it very much), and we were paying a cheap price for it so I was ok with that, vs. now living in a home that isn't my dream home either, yet we pay an arm and a leg to live in an "average" home. It all reflected me.
I was reading an article about NJ, exploring to see if there were any towns known to have friendly people/nice feels to it in an attempt to change the parts of the situation that I can control to better suit me. Even the article said "NJ is often associated with a lot of bad things. The Garden State is accused of having some of the highest taxes in the country. And being too populated. A land made up mostly of highways, yet traffic is a constant theme here. And rude people. And factory fumes. And landfills. And pricey homes".  They were trying to point out that (in their words), even though it has some pretty nasty cons, it does have a fair share of plusses. But the cons sometimes outweigh the plusses for me.
I was also triggered, because here I am having these struggles when I go to a park for a playdate. I was chatting with the mom we were meeting, and another mom who was a friend of hers. Thankfully Emily was further away and couldn't overhear the conversation, because this other mother is  throwing the F bomb and other choice curse words out several times (while her 2.5-3 year old sit awake in her stroller right under her, and her 4 year old playing close by. Intentionally, not a "slip"). That is the epitome of New Jersey right there. Then Emily comes running over to tell me about this mean boy calling her names. And I am thinking "why am I here? Why?" Yes there are very nice people here, but they are outnumbered by these types of people. And this is not me, or how I raise my kids.
I truly feel tortured some days, torn between truly wanting our family near us, but wanting desperately to be someplace that makes me happy on the day to day basis. A place that overall reflects me. Even Matt struggled with the decision to stay. For a few months after we said no to job in Wilmington, he would say that we should have gone down to Wilmington despite things. He even said recently that we should give it another year here, see where we are at (financially speaking as well), then if it's not better we should move and get out of Jersey.
But at the same time, I promised him I wouldn't keep him living in limbo, so I try not to bring up these back and forth feelings. Especially now, since he just took his DREAM job. He started working with a professional NFL team. His true dream job would be doing that with the Eagles, but it's still pretty darn exciting for him since he loves football. He is now the physical therapist for the Jets for 6-8 months out of the year, then he will be doing regular PT the other 4-6 months out of the year. His first day was actually yesterday, and he absolutely loved it. So that keeps us here as well, although he was told the Jets part of the job could be very temporary, or it could be a few years. So we will see. The one good part is that this job opportunity can open up lots of great other opportunities with other teams in other places. So we shall see.
I do, however, trust God and his plan. I do know he is in it, and he is making and shaping my life and situations for a greater good. He knows me and wants good for me. And during this time, while this is a vessel to serve these other desires, he has provided us with family time, some good friends, a good church, and the things I need to be ok here.
The funny/ironic parts though: So, Kim and Karen Belfer were talking about moving down to NC around the same time we were looking into Wilmington. They were toying with the idea of Wilmington, but at the time sounded like they were most likely going to Greenville, NC. Well, they have sold their house and are moving--to WILMINGTON! Ugh. Having known someone so safe and familiar may have altered my decision since I was kind of scared to be all alone with kids (yes, we have Matt's friends, but they are not "safe" people to me).
The other kicker--So Kristyn and Brian have been in Italy. They had gotten an extension until 2020. However, Brian is really disliking his current job, and also has been really missing home. So they were talking about bumping it up to Jan 2019 instead. Well, now a new position is opening up that Brian is interested in, so they may be back even sooner, like the fall of this year. Based on the position, and where it is available, you request 4 places and then they tell you where you'll be going. They have PA, Long Island, but also GREENVILLE SC, AND WILMINGTON NC!!!!! I'm like are you kidding me??? Why couldn't this have happened sooner. One big reason I have been torn about moving is because I want family. If Kristyn and Brian were in one of those places, that is a game changer. Even mom said that if 2 out of 3 of her kids were down there, she'd move down for a majority of the year at least. So it'll be interesting to see where they choose to end up. Although even if they did move, who knows how permanent it would be. Kristyn has this desire to travel (and live in) different parts of the world. Although I think Brian is wanting to be more settled. So who knows.

Also, Jen and Jim who are like family to me, just moved to the part of Florida that we had considered.

So tough.

One day at a time. Look for the blessings each day. Remember the bigger picture and the things this area is serving for me.