It's been a really long time since I posted. Life just got away from me. It's just a reflection of how busy things have been. The older the girls get, the busier we seem to get with school, homework, activities, play dates, etc. I just don't have the time to sit and write as much these days. I've also taken a hiatus to work on myself.
Anyway, to sum things up, we have moved. As a therapist, I believe in the importance of therapy during different life seasons. Matt and I have been working with our own individual therapists (and sometimes together). I have to say, it's been life changing. My therapist has been so monumentally helpful in my life journey. Working with him, combined with some fantastic podcasts and books, have helped me step into my best life yet. We both have been focusing on creating our very best lives, following our dreams, creating deep connection in our marriage and family.
As you know from previous posts, I was pretty unhappy where we were. Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate it like I first did. The first two to three years I was pretty depressed there, but eventually I did find some good friends, and the school district was great for the kids. So it became more tolerable--I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. I just felt like a fish out of water. Since we were close to NYC, it had a lot of the city attitude--rushing, honking, cursing, more hard exteriors/attitudes, focus on having the best clothing, purses, activities for the kids, etc. It didn't resonate with me. But I stayed stuck in suffering for everyone else. I stayed up north because I didn't want to hurt or disappoint our parents, siblings. I didn't want to risk hurting my kids, and uprooting them from everyone/everything that they knew and loved. I put everyone's needs above my own. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't realize just how unhappy I had become until I compare to where I'm at now.
First, my therapist helped me realize that in addition to that, I had developed a trauma response to when we moved here from SC. I knew pretty immediately that I had made a mistake moving back up north. So any time I attempted to leave or to move, I'd become almost paralyzed about making the right decision, because I didn't want to make such a huge mistake again. So I'd torture myself trying to find the right place to move to, because I "needed to get it right and not make a mistake". It would paralyze me when it came to go-time.
My therapist told me that the only way we hurt our kids is when we do things/don't do things out of fear. I also found this amazing podcast, which I followed up by reading the book called Untamed, that talked about how mothers are conditioned to become martyrs, to abandon ourselves out of love. She wrote: "I burned the memo presenting responsible motherhood as martyrdom. I decided that the call of motherhood is to become a model, not a martyr. I unbecame a mother slowly dying in her children's name and became a responsible mother: one who shows her children how to fully live". She asked, "what if our children only go as far as we do?" I decided to take the leap of faith, and do what makes my soul happy in order to live the best life I can, just as I want my children to do.
So we decided to take the plunge and try moving south again. We were thinking of different options. Either Greenville SC or Florida. Sadly, Greenville wasn't at the top of the list anymore for several different reasons, ranging from no good job opportunities for Matt, low rated school systems, etc. We wanted a clean fresh start, so we decided to try for the West Coast of Florida. We had visited and found a few really amazing spots. We narrowed it down to a place called Lakewood Ranch, which was everything I dreamt of, Naples and another spot that I'm now forgetting. My therapist said to give it our best shot, and if we can make it happen without forcing solutions, it's a yes from God. If it's forcing it, it's a no. So Matt and I set up boundaries of what yes and no would be, and we gave it our all. He had several job interviews. I had hard, honest conversations with both sets of parents stating that I was no longer putting everyone else's feelings and need above my own, and that we were going to pursue our dreams of living down south again. We took all the steps to move....and then we got the NO from God. Matt did get several job offers, but fortunately and unfortunately, Matt has an excellent job with excellent benefits (and our family uses all of them), and we just couldn't get anything remotely close....he got a few good salary offers, but the benefits were terrible....then COVID-19 hit, and jobs diminished. We even tried a second time, and it was a no.
I was really sad at first, because I had worked so hard to get brave enough to actually take the step, to have these brutally honest conversations with our families, and to take the leap. I really hoped it was a yes. I had to grieve the no. But then I came to terms with it, and actually have peace knowing that I/we did actually try. I have peace and trust God's no, or at least no for right now.
We also both agreed that if it was a no right now, then we would hold off until kids were done with school. I don't think I mentioned since it's been so long, but Ashley was diagnosed with Autism, level 1. It's very minimal, but it does impact social issues for her. The older you get, the harder it gets to move as kids get older and more cliquey as it is. We didn't want to make it too difficult for her, or Emily.
So, the south was a no. Since this is where we needed to stay, we started thinking of how to make it the best it could be. We could stay put, and make the most of it. But we decided to stop settling and "making the most of it". We decided to move to Sparta, NJ. Other than the weather, it checks off all the boxes of things we love. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my surroundings majorly impact me. Where we were, the homes and town were old (and some parts ugly), the homes were really close together. In Sparta, it's much newer and beautiful. We moved to a beautiful development where everyone has an acre or more of property, into my "dream neighborhood" that I've always wanted, and into a dream home. Due to COVID, people were all wanting to move out of the city and into the suburbs, so our town in Oakland was selling quickly for a great price. We were able to sell our home with enough money to pay off all of our student loans, car payments, and any remaining debt, plus have some money to put into the new house. Because we moved out of the NYC "bubble", we were able to get a much larger, newer home for only $50k more than our old home in Oakland.
Sparta is more rural. The older I get, the more and more Matt and I both realize how much we love nature. Every time we had free time, we were driving out to the country. It's my greatest God connection, and self connection. I needed more of that. Our property is absolutely gorgeous. It feeds my soul every time I'm in it. And even though it's more country, it still has a nice town with plenty to do, and all the other "life stuff" is within a 20 minute drive. So it's perfect.
It doesn't check off the nice weather/ palm trees....but I have a neighborhood and home that surpasses anything I ever dreamt of. We have nature, lakes, mountains, a pretty downtown, excellent school system (it's even rated higher than Oakland for part of it). We absolutely love it.
The cool part, too, is that it's 40 minutes from Oakland. I do wish it were a little closer, but we've been able to see our friends/the kids friends, and have play dates and get togethers. So we get to have everything we love, without losing our old life. Matt is able to keep his current job (it's only 7 minutes further in the opposite direction), and I can keep mine (mine's a longer commute for sure, but I'm only going into office 1x/week, then doing the rest virtual). I also plan to start marketing here locally.
So anyway, it's been a good move. We've been here a little over a month. The girls, thankfully, have been making some really nice friends here. That was my biggest fear, was ripping them away from the great friends they had made in Oakland. But they have maintained friend times with them, and are making some really nice friends here too.
The girls also love it here. We have a culdesac in the neighborhood that has cows and horses that they love, they love the country, and they love the fact that Emily's cheer is right down the street and Ashley can do horse back riding. People are nicer and friendlier here which is very important to me.
When we decided to move, and we told the kids, I said to them that we were moving in order to step into our best lives, to follow our dreams. I told them we were taking risks and chances, because we want to be brave with our lives the same way we want them to do with their lives when following their dreams. I do think it is a really good thing, to model self love and self care, and that we can do hard things.
I'm excited for this next chapter.
