Had a bittersweet moment. We got rid of all of our baby clothes and most of our baby items this week. I had held onto EVERYTHING we owned JUST IN CASE we decided to have another baby. We were pretty set on 2 children from the get go, but I wanted to hold onto the stuff just in case we had a change of heart over time. But, we have officially closed that door. We decided that our hearts are full and our family is complete. So now that it's official, we decided to do some purging since the baby items were taking up 70% of our basement storage.
In one way, clearing out all the space felt great! A daunting chore was finally done. On the other hand, very sad to give up our things. Although they are just things, and we can't take any of it with us when we die, these things connected me to their babyhood, and wonderful memories. Given the sentimental person that I am, I did allow myself to keep one big bin of combined baby clothes from newborn up to almost 2T. That way I can reminisce over them, let the girls see some of their stuff and how little they once were, and if by any chance they want any of it for their own children someday, they can have it or turn into a quilt or something.
I gave a ton of clothes to my good friend Jodi. (I checked with siblings first with items). I've known her since the 5th grade. She has twins, one boy and one girl. I gave her 12 month-2T. The nice part about her having them is that I can see her little girl wearing them, and again reflect back on when my babies were in those outfits, which is really nice. I donated the other half to Good Will. I was blessed to have wonderful friends who happily shared/passed down or loaned me tons of baby clothes, so I thought it would be nice to return the good gestures, to help out a friend and others in need. Then I sold some items such as strollers, pack and plays, etc.
On to the next chapter of our lives....
P.s...no Florida updates because there hasn't been any yet....Matt is meeting with his bosses on Monday to discuss all details, and we'll know a lot more after we've had questions answered. Will keep posted.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Happy Parents or Happy Grandparents?
So...the title of this blog is where I'm at in life. Anyone whose read my blog, or really knows me, knows where I stand and how I feel about my current living situation. It's gotten to the point where I finally decided to go talk to a counselor to help me figure out my life. As a counselor myself, I know how helpful a counselor can be. They can give you unbiased opinions, ask good questions that family and friends may not ask, they don't give you unsolicited advice, they just help you seek out your path, etc. I also know to take care of myself, and when to know when to seek help. Honestly, it should have been sooner, but didn't have good insurance until recently.
Anyway, I went to her about the living situation/dilemma. I'm not sure how biased/unbiased she is considering she is an older woman living in New Jersey herself, but I did share all of my feelings, opinions, and experiences of North Jersey. I did not mince words, and basically said that with the exception of having family close and a couple of good friends I've made here, I hate the rest of it.
In the last few weeks, things have kind of transpired. Well, I was skyping with one of my best friends Jen. She and her husband Jim lived in SC with us. After we had grown so close, she ended up leaving to move back to be closer to family after she had kids. We'd take turns visiting each other, and have remained very close over the years. Anyway....she and I were chatting. She was joking/half joking/half serious telling about this place in Florida called Amelia Island that she thought we should move to. She and Jim have been talking about wanting to live there themselves for several years now, and have hopes to either move there or at least get a weekend house there within the next year. After hearing all about it, it sounded really amazing and right up my alley. So I was telling Matt, really joking, about how Jen was trying to get us to move down and we should. Matt responded with a serious answer and was like, "let's go". His eagerness and willingness totally caught me off guard, especially since I had been kidding.
So, since I've been unhappy here, we both started really looking at the area online, just to dream at first. It really does look and sound fantastic. We both researched the schools, demographics of the area--population, crime rates, statistics, etc. The weather sounds phenomenal....It's actually one of the least likely places in Florida to get hit with hurricanes. It does have a "cold month" where it drops down to 50s during the day and even freezing temps at night...which honestly, I wouldn't mind "cooling down" from hot Florida weather, but it's still totally mild and NOTHING compared to long, cold months here. It also doesn't get too too hot (not above mid 90s, give or take). It has lots of beach and ocean which we both love, allows for boating which we enjoy doing as a couple and family--Jen already said Jim would split a boat with us. It has tons of golf courses and football--college and pro, which Matt likes. It's got a small town feel with enough to do, and then bigger city Jacksonville is 20 minutes away. Jen also said that it's similar to Greenville in all the ways I liked--like Greenville, it's a bit of a melting pot, where some people are originally from there, while others have moved from all over. So they are eager and willing to make new friends, people are very friendly like I loved and miss, and we're in the south which means lots of churches to choose from with people with similar values/attitudes toward life. I love being out in nature, ESPECIALLY coastal nature, and I could really do that all year long. Even during the couple of hot months, it's still cooler in the morning and evenings, and there are pools and ocean to cool down in. Granted, we have to see it in person to really know, but sounds amazing.
Anyway, the more we looked the more and more we got intrigued by the idea. Then, out of the blue, Matt's boss comes in. His job has tons of offices in NJ, and a couple random ones in Florida. Well he comes in and tells Matt that they are opening up a new office in Florida. And guess where? Right by Amelia Island. He also (without Matt having mentioned anything about how we've been looking at the area), says to Matt, "you really should consider going down there". What are the odds????
That made the idea seem REALLY intriguing. To go down there, where the cost of living is a lot less, still getting his northern pay would be amazing. We could get a house twice our current size, in an amazing area, for 100,000 less and 1/3 of the taxes. Matt could totally afford to only work one job again, even with me doing the one day a week of work. And in a few years when I pick up another day or so, we'd be doing quite well. And Matt, being the go-getter that he is, has already looked into transferring our licenses and it would be pretty easy for both of us to do. (Who knows, maybe his boss would even pay for the moving expenses if they really wanted him down there).
So, that throws another wrench into ideas and plans and dreams.
So I've had an unbiased person helping me figure things out. We have talked about options:
One is to stay here. She told me, which I already know about myself and have been saying forever, is that I am a "feeler". I get a lot of my feelings and energies from my environment. For instance, when people are fighting and angry, I pick up and absorb the energy and it makes me feel anxious or stressed. So environment affects me a lot. When I live in a place that is sunny and warm, where there are flowers and cheerful things around me all the time, I feel happy and cheerful. When I am in a place that is cold, gloomy, dark, things are dead for months at a time, that makes me feel miserable. Combine that with the people in the environment...where down south people were kind, friendly, helpful, having beliefs and conversations about God....that was great. When people here are more negative, cynical, hard, less willing to open up, materialistic, I feel that in a negative way. So you take those things, and combine them with having walked away from my "dream" of living down south, walking away from so many people, places and things that I loved so much, and you have one miserable person.
If I didn't have Matt and the girls to consider, I wouldn't even be up here again in the first place. I'd be living "happily ever after" down south, loving it. But I do have Matt and the girls, and I want us ALL to be happy. I have grandparents who LOVE us so much, and get so much joy out of having us close. We have siblings and now nieces and nephews. I told the counselor that if I were to move away, I'd have tremendous guilt and feel horrible for having brought us back up here, having them enjoy and love this time, then taking them away again.
But the counselor asked me a good question. What is better for your family (husband and kids): happy parents or happy grandparents? Yes everyone is so happy you're here, but if mom is depressed and miserable for 6 months out of the year, and dad is overworked and never home, IS THAT really best for your kids? That resonated with me.
We explored the reasons we moved here/are currently are here.
1. Having family more involved. One thing I will say for sure that is a blessing being here is that it has shown both of us how much we really do love and value the grandparents in our girls lives. First, having lived with Lisa and Bruce when we first moved up here really brought us closer, especially me with them. I feel like we got to know each other better than we ever have, we had good talks and good times, I enjoyed watching them with our kids because they truly are wonderful grandparents.
Prior to living here, I had gotten so used to being on our own and being independent that I loved our family, but I was neutral on the decision. I was ok if they were involved on a regular basis, but I was also ok if they weren't because I was just used to it. That has changed. I desperately want the grandparents involved in my girls lives. All of them bring gifts, qualities and wonderful things into the girls lives, and also into ours. I had a very close relationship with my grandparents growing up, and I want the girls to have that as well. I just wish it could be somewhere else.
I moved here to be closer to our extended family. I love my extended family and have so many wonderful memories growing up with them, wonderful holiday memories, etc. However, that hasn't panned out quite as I had hoped. I'm still just a little too far away. I'm not close enough to just "pop over", or have a random visit with them. A lot of times when I go up to visit, it's for a shorter time now that the girls go to school (weekends visits), so I don't always get the chance to get away and go see them. When we lived far away, I typically saw them 1x/year during the holidays. Now that I'm "close", it's probably only 1-2x more if I'm lucky (for both mine and Matt's. And if we do see more, it tends to be Matt's side). Also, the wonderful memories of holidays together has changed. People have kind of split off and are doing their own things vs the big get togethers.
I also moved here hoping it'd give me more one-on-one time/visits with siblings/niece and nephews. That hasn't quite panned out either. In Cheryl's case, she and Billy don't have reliable vehicles and I think she feels a little anxious driving long distance on her own. So she makes the trip with mom, and it's still always visiting in a group setting. And quite honestly, it's not that enjoyable. Mom stresses Cheryl out, Cheryl stresses mom out. So there's passive aggressive comments or tension sometimes, which takes away from our visits. Andrew and Lauren are working full time, Matt's working like a dog to afford living in Nj, so we don't really get to see them as much. A lot of times that leave us getting together as groups, which also leads to more tension and arguments than when we hang out one on one for some reason. So in reality, we probably only see them once every-other month or so, and not in the ideal ways like I/we had hoped when moving back.
I have made a couple of really good friends here, but it isn't always enough to make up for the parts I hate about here, the people as a whole, etc.
The only other reasons I'm currently here is out of guilt and fear, and everyone else's feelings. Honestly. As I said, tremendous guilt of taking the girls away from everyone again. Fear of the what if's. What happens if there is an emergency and we're far away? What if someone needs us and we can't just jump in the car and be there?
The therapist helped me work through the questions and fear.
As far as the guilt thing, there was that question she presented to me that I mentioned. What is better for your kids, happy parents or happy grandparents? Gods honest answer is that I have been trying so hard to make this work. I really really want it to because it makes the most sense on paper. We are "close to family" (moreso Matt's, but driving distance to mine). Honestly though, I don't see this being a long term place. I don't see it being where I want to stay and retire. This area does not reflect who I am, what I like, or my values at all. Also, living down south changed me. I don't think I can go back and unknow what I know. Or unwant something that I saw made me so happy.
Aside from the environmental factors that I dislike, it's just too darn expensive. Yes, I get that we live close to NYC and that's nice, but in my eyes, I just don't see what makes this place worth the expenses. Currently, Matt is back to working 2nd, and even third job for the time being. He works 5 days a week, from breakfast time (early) until right around bedtime for girls. 8/8:30--50% of the time seeing them, 50% not. Plus now he works Saturdays for most of the day. We literally have one day with him. That SUCKS. Granted, part of it is so that we can save for our Italy trip and not go further in the hole, but trip or no trip we just cannot afford to have him or myself not work more. We already went $11,000 backwards (just on living expenses, not on wasting away on luxury) during the time Matt went back to 1 job. And that is with me working a full day again, plus additional day with group and phone sessions other days. And yes, I could work more days. But I bring in more money in 1 1/2 days of working that some people do in working 4-5 days/week. And more importantly, I have wanted to be a stay at home mom for forever (at least until they are in kindergarten). That is something Matt and I discussed, both wanted and value, and planned to do from before we even got married. I feel like by moving up here, I walked away from most of my hopes and dreams. This is the last little piece I still have, and to give that up too, just to live in a place that I don't even like, would be the straw that broke the camels back, especially since I know there are a million other places I could easily live (and like more than here) where I wouldn't have to work extra right now. But at the same time, I'm honestly not even enjoying "my dream" of being home with the girls, because it's really hard with Matt being gone working all day. I feel like a single mom 6 days out of the week. I'm burnt out, he's burnt out. And because I am, I'm not being as good of a mom (or wife) as I normally am. I'm tired, stressed, crankier, etc. So it sucks. It's taking a toll on our children and our marriage.
Anyway, getting back to the guilt thing, the counselor said that if we were to move away, we could easily afford to down south and make it work with our family. First off, since we both DO want our family around, we would get a place that would accommodate them and allow for them to come and stay as long as they would like (especially grandparents after they retire). The one bonus to Florida is that a lot of people tend to move to Florida to retire, so many homes are set up with either an in-law suite with a 2nd master bedroom and private bathroom, or even in some cases a totally separate living space on the same property, with their own kitchen and living space. Ideally, I'd prefer the latter, just so we all have some personal space and time, while still enjoying each other a lot of the time. If we had that, we'd welcome and encourage family/friends to come down for as long as they'd like, and hope that the grandparents would take turns coming down for months at a time (maybe even 6 months each or something). Even in that best scenario, we wouldn't see them all year though..but at least it'd be a good part of the year, and some grandparent would hopefully be around all or most of the year. The only negative is that there's still a few years until retirement. Mom only has 1-3 (at most), but Lisa and Bruce feel they need to work another 6 years. So that is rough because we want them there now. Lol.
The counselor also pointed out that given the cheaper cost of living, we could use my salary to put away to use for travels--so we can come visit, so we can help others afford to visit us, so we can hop on a plane if there is an emergency, etc. But...realistically, it's still not as ideal as right now as far as family. But it is do-able. I think it grandparents were able/ready to retire right now, it'd be a no-brainer. As far as siblings/niece/nephews, as she put it, it's not like we're seeing them every weekend now anyway. It's every other month or so. Yes, it'd be less, but again we can help them fly down financially, or make the most of it when we see them. And there's Skype, and social media. Although I still feel guilty because I know how much the cousins love each other. Although the counselor did also say, as the kids get older, they are going to become more and more involved in school and extracurricular activities, and even less likely to get together during weekends and stuff. So then it makes me think, then what is the point of living here as long as we've got the grandparents with us for part of the year? As you can see, I'm so back and forth. Haha.
The other thing is that I'm afraid to make an emotional decision. I feel like that's how I got into this mess in the first place. In all honesty, I think a big reason I made the decision to move back north was because I had experienced the postpartum after Emily was born. My hormones were completely out of whack, I was emotional and freaked out. I wanted my mommy or Matt's mommy. I felt trapped and alone (which was far from the truth). So I made a knee-jerk reaction to move. And by the time my hormones were normalizing and life was settling down, we had already gotten the ball rolling to move, had our house on the market, was making the preparations to move. As a counselor I would have told my clients to wait 6 months after a major life change to make any other major life decisions, but I wasn't in a good/clear place at the time. I don't want to make another decision based off of emotion when I'm sad...although, deep down I know it's not the same. I haven't been happy since I moved here, and the growing sadness is because of that. But fear makes me second guess it....
I also made the decision for Matt and the girls. Even though I knew it wasn't ideal for me up north, I knew Matt went back and forth about living in SC. He'd say he felt "bipolar"--he loved it at times, enjoyed our friendships, lifestyle, weather, but he missed his parents and wasn't thrilled with work options and school ratings. I didn't want him to live in a place where he was unhappy, where he would end up resenting me for staying. I also wanted the girls to have grandparents involved in their lives. So I put their feelings and needs above my own. Now it's flipped where I'm less than thrilled here, feeling sad and angry about my lost hopes, dreams and loves. Trying to find a solution where we can ALL be happy. Not sure if there is one....
So anyway, here are our choices....
Stay here. Do nothing. Keep trying to make it work. Try to make the most of it. Try to focus on the positives (which there are some) and let go of other stuff. See if the financial burdens lessen as the girls go to school--no cost of preschool, me working some more....Take anti depressants for 6 months to get me through the rough months...haha. Although I'm only half joking, it may come down to that to get me through.....
Leave here, but move to someplace still close to family, although still not sure where that is. Honestly, neither of us want to move to upsate NY. I'd love to be closer to my family, but that'd be going even more backwards. It's usually even colder than here, and they have an extra two weeks before and after us of colder weather, and I can barely stand the long length now. And I had outgrown that area a long time ago. Yes it would give me nicer people and more affordability, but it's really not ideal.
We talked about moving to south Jersey again. Both of us liked it there, it's got our roots where we first met and got engaged, it's slightly warmer with less snow than north Jersey. But it's still Jersey, and quite frankly Jersey has left a bad taste in my mouth. It's also still colder than I desire. And quite frankly, it totally defeats the purpose of "living close to family" when we are now a couple hours from Matt's parents, and like 5 hours from my family. Now it's even further, more of an inconvenience. If I'm going to make an annoying long car ride, I may as well live in a place I/we really like.
There's the option of trying to find another state or place within a couple hours distance of both families, but that's kind of grasping at straws to move where there is no one we know.....
There's still Greenville, SC. Which to me, I LOVED and could/would live there in a heartbeat again. But, I don't think Matt would be as happy there. He totally jumped on the idea of Florida because he and I have always both loved Florida and atmosphere and what it has to offer....but he'd be more hesitant going there (Greenville). He'd go because he knows how much I loved it, but I'd wonder if he'd be happy or if he'd resent me for doing it. He also had exhausted all options for the good paying jobs there, and didn't really like anything there work-wise since it was so corporate. He also doesn't like the really bad school ratings. We both have said that we don't expect or want our kids to try to be Einstein, but we do want them to get a good education. He also thinks if we are going to take the plunge and be away from family, why not live in a totally ideal area. The only reason I'm more inclined to Greenville is that we have everything there. We have amazing friendships establishes there already, it has the church and community, the neighbors, the familiarity, the "home", the start of our family and where our children were born (although sadly, my home is gone)....we'd have a safety net, which is comforting being so far away from family (at least for part of the time).
Then there's Florida. I'm not going to lie, weather wise and environment wise, I love the idea of Florida even more than Greenville. After the winters here, I'm good with not having winters ever again. LOL. Greenville still had one, it was just shorter and less intense. 50's for a daytime low, beaches and palm trees sound very very very good. I love that Florida has more housing to accommodate family moreso than Greenville/very appealing styles of homes too. I love that even though I wouldn't have all of my Greenville best friends there, I'd have one of the most important ones that I had made there with me. And, although Greenville is still 6 hours from there, it's still better than 14. I could go for a weekend or longer weekend, and visit much more often than I can now. Florida also has a big airport within a half hour for cheaper/frequent flights. And it's actually just 2.5 hours further than Greenville was to drive since Greenville was so far west. It has the churches/lots of options and the friendly people from the south that I miss. It also has closer cities and things to do, whereas after you leave Greenville, you have a good hour before you get to another "hot spot".
Cons are that Jen and Jim could leave, then we'd have no one (although I'm sure we'd establish other good friends and develop a network and support, but something to consider especially after having had a hard time building up friendships here). It's still less ideal family situation, and it's uprooting our family/families in order to take a risk that we could either potentially love, or potentially regret).
I think the hardest piece is that it's not just me. If it were just me, I already know what I'd do, no questions asked. But it's not just me. I worry about what is best for Matt, what is best for our marriage, what is best for my children, what is best for the grandparents, cousins, siblings. I think about our friends....and I even think about some of my clients who are very attached to me. So it's so hard.
I told the counselor that I wish there was a physical sign, with an arrow pointing and saying "go here, this is the right choice for you". She did say, with all of the things that have transpired about the Florida thing/especially given the job thing, maybe we just got that sign.
I don't know. Needless to say, I've been praying and praying about it. Researching. Talking to others. Nothing needs to be decided one way or another until God makes it clear to us. If anyone reading this has any feedback, I'm always open to it.
Anyway, I went to her about the living situation/dilemma. I'm not sure how biased/unbiased she is considering she is an older woman living in New Jersey herself, but I did share all of my feelings, opinions, and experiences of North Jersey. I did not mince words, and basically said that with the exception of having family close and a couple of good friends I've made here, I hate the rest of it.
In the last few weeks, things have kind of transpired. Well, I was skyping with one of my best friends Jen. She and her husband Jim lived in SC with us. After we had grown so close, she ended up leaving to move back to be closer to family after she had kids. We'd take turns visiting each other, and have remained very close over the years. Anyway....she and I were chatting. She was joking/half joking/half serious telling about this place in Florida called Amelia Island that she thought we should move to. She and Jim have been talking about wanting to live there themselves for several years now, and have hopes to either move there or at least get a weekend house there within the next year. After hearing all about it, it sounded really amazing and right up my alley. So I was telling Matt, really joking, about how Jen was trying to get us to move down and we should. Matt responded with a serious answer and was like, "let's go". His eagerness and willingness totally caught me off guard, especially since I had been kidding.
So, since I've been unhappy here, we both started really looking at the area online, just to dream at first. It really does look and sound fantastic. We both researched the schools, demographics of the area--population, crime rates, statistics, etc. The weather sounds phenomenal....It's actually one of the least likely places in Florida to get hit with hurricanes. It does have a "cold month" where it drops down to 50s during the day and even freezing temps at night...which honestly, I wouldn't mind "cooling down" from hot Florida weather, but it's still totally mild and NOTHING compared to long, cold months here. It also doesn't get too too hot (not above mid 90s, give or take). It has lots of beach and ocean which we both love, allows for boating which we enjoy doing as a couple and family--Jen already said Jim would split a boat with us. It has tons of golf courses and football--college and pro, which Matt likes. It's got a small town feel with enough to do, and then bigger city Jacksonville is 20 minutes away. Jen also said that it's similar to Greenville in all the ways I liked--like Greenville, it's a bit of a melting pot, where some people are originally from there, while others have moved from all over. So they are eager and willing to make new friends, people are very friendly like I loved and miss, and we're in the south which means lots of churches to choose from with people with similar values/attitudes toward life. I love being out in nature, ESPECIALLY coastal nature, and I could really do that all year long. Even during the couple of hot months, it's still cooler in the morning and evenings, and there are pools and ocean to cool down in. Granted, we have to see it in person to really know, but sounds amazing.
Anyway, the more we looked the more and more we got intrigued by the idea. Then, out of the blue, Matt's boss comes in. His job has tons of offices in NJ, and a couple random ones in Florida. Well he comes in and tells Matt that they are opening up a new office in Florida. And guess where? Right by Amelia Island. He also (without Matt having mentioned anything about how we've been looking at the area), says to Matt, "you really should consider going down there". What are the odds????
That made the idea seem REALLY intriguing. To go down there, where the cost of living is a lot less, still getting his northern pay would be amazing. We could get a house twice our current size, in an amazing area, for 100,000 less and 1/3 of the taxes. Matt could totally afford to only work one job again, even with me doing the one day a week of work. And in a few years when I pick up another day or so, we'd be doing quite well. And Matt, being the go-getter that he is, has already looked into transferring our licenses and it would be pretty easy for both of us to do. (Who knows, maybe his boss would even pay for the moving expenses if they really wanted him down there).
So, that throws another wrench into ideas and plans and dreams.
So I've had an unbiased person helping me figure things out. We have talked about options:
One is to stay here. She told me, which I already know about myself and have been saying forever, is that I am a "feeler". I get a lot of my feelings and energies from my environment. For instance, when people are fighting and angry, I pick up and absorb the energy and it makes me feel anxious or stressed. So environment affects me a lot. When I live in a place that is sunny and warm, where there are flowers and cheerful things around me all the time, I feel happy and cheerful. When I am in a place that is cold, gloomy, dark, things are dead for months at a time, that makes me feel miserable. Combine that with the people in the environment...where down south people were kind, friendly, helpful, having beliefs and conversations about God....that was great. When people here are more negative, cynical, hard, less willing to open up, materialistic, I feel that in a negative way. So you take those things, and combine them with having walked away from my "dream" of living down south, walking away from so many people, places and things that I loved so much, and you have one miserable person.
If I didn't have Matt and the girls to consider, I wouldn't even be up here again in the first place. I'd be living "happily ever after" down south, loving it. But I do have Matt and the girls, and I want us ALL to be happy. I have grandparents who LOVE us so much, and get so much joy out of having us close. We have siblings and now nieces and nephews. I told the counselor that if I were to move away, I'd have tremendous guilt and feel horrible for having brought us back up here, having them enjoy and love this time, then taking them away again.
But the counselor asked me a good question. What is better for your family (husband and kids): happy parents or happy grandparents? Yes everyone is so happy you're here, but if mom is depressed and miserable for 6 months out of the year, and dad is overworked and never home, IS THAT really best for your kids? That resonated with me.
We explored the reasons we moved here/are currently are here.
1. Having family more involved. One thing I will say for sure that is a blessing being here is that it has shown both of us how much we really do love and value the grandparents in our girls lives. First, having lived with Lisa and Bruce when we first moved up here really brought us closer, especially me with them. I feel like we got to know each other better than we ever have, we had good talks and good times, I enjoyed watching them with our kids because they truly are wonderful grandparents.
Prior to living here, I had gotten so used to being on our own and being independent that I loved our family, but I was neutral on the decision. I was ok if they were involved on a regular basis, but I was also ok if they weren't because I was just used to it. That has changed. I desperately want the grandparents involved in my girls lives. All of them bring gifts, qualities and wonderful things into the girls lives, and also into ours. I had a very close relationship with my grandparents growing up, and I want the girls to have that as well. I just wish it could be somewhere else.
I moved here to be closer to our extended family. I love my extended family and have so many wonderful memories growing up with them, wonderful holiday memories, etc. However, that hasn't panned out quite as I had hoped. I'm still just a little too far away. I'm not close enough to just "pop over", or have a random visit with them. A lot of times when I go up to visit, it's for a shorter time now that the girls go to school (weekends visits), so I don't always get the chance to get away and go see them. When we lived far away, I typically saw them 1x/year during the holidays. Now that I'm "close", it's probably only 1-2x more if I'm lucky (for both mine and Matt's. And if we do see more, it tends to be Matt's side). Also, the wonderful memories of holidays together has changed. People have kind of split off and are doing their own things vs the big get togethers.
I also moved here hoping it'd give me more one-on-one time/visits with siblings/niece and nephews. That hasn't quite panned out either. In Cheryl's case, she and Billy don't have reliable vehicles and I think she feels a little anxious driving long distance on her own. So she makes the trip with mom, and it's still always visiting in a group setting. And quite honestly, it's not that enjoyable. Mom stresses Cheryl out, Cheryl stresses mom out. So there's passive aggressive comments or tension sometimes, which takes away from our visits. Andrew and Lauren are working full time, Matt's working like a dog to afford living in Nj, so we don't really get to see them as much. A lot of times that leave us getting together as groups, which also leads to more tension and arguments than when we hang out one on one for some reason. So in reality, we probably only see them once every-other month or so, and not in the ideal ways like I/we had hoped when moving back.
I have made a couple of really good friends here, but it isn't always enough to make up for the parts I hate about here, the people as a whole, etc.
The only other reasons I'm currently here is out of guilt and fear, and everyone else's feelings. Honestly. As I said, tremendous guilt of taking the girls away from everyone again. Fear of the what if's. What happens if there is an emergency and we're far away? What if someone needs us and we can't just jump in the car and be there?
The therapist helped me work through the questions and fear.
As far as the guilt thing, there was that question she presented to me that I mentioned. What is better for your kids, happy parents or happy grandparents? Gods honest answer is that I have been trying so hard to make this work. I really really want it to because it makes the most sense on paper. We are "close to family" (moreso Matt's, but driving distance to mine). Honestly though, I don't see this being a long term place. I don't see it being where I want to stay and retire. This area does not reflect who I am, what I like, or my values at all. Also, living down south changed me. I don't think I can go back and unknow what I know. Or unwant something that I saw made me so happy.
Aside from the environmental factors that I dislike, it's just too darn expensive. Yes, I get that we live close to NYC and that's nice, but in my eyes, I just don't see what makes this place worth the expenses. Currently, Matt is back to working 2nd, and even third job for the time being. He works 5 days a week, from breakfast time (early) until right around bedtime for girls. 8/8:30--50% of the time seeing them, 50% not. Plus now he works Saturdays for most of the day. We literally have one day with him. That SUCKS. Granted, part of it is so that we can save for our Italy trip and not go further in the hole, but trip or no trip we just cannot afford to have him or myself not work more. We already went $11,000 backwards (just on living expenses, not on wasting away on luxury) during the time Matt went back to 1 job. And that is with me working a full day again, plus additional day with group and phone sessions other days. And yes, I could work more days. But I bring in more money in 1 1/2 days of working that some people do in working 4-5 days/week. And more importantly, I have wanted to be a stay at home mom for forever (at least until they are in kindergarten). That is something Matt and I discussed, both wanted and value, and planned to do from before we even got married. I feel like by moving up here, I walked away from most of my hopes and dreams. This is the last little piece I still have, and to give that up too, just to live in a place that I don't even like, would be the straw that broke the camels back, especially since I know there are a million other places I could easily live (and like more than here) where I wouldn't have to work extra right now. But at the same time, I'm honestly not even enjoying "my dream" of being home with the girls, because it's really hard with Matt being gone working all day. I feel like a single mom 6 days out of the week. I'm burnt out, he's burnt out. And because I am, I'm not being as good of a mom (or wife) as I normally am. I'm tired, stressed, crankier, etc. So it sucks. It's taking a toll on our children and our marriage.
Anyway, getting back to the guilt thing, the counselor said that if we were to move away, we could easily afford to down south and make it work with our family. First off, since we both DO want our family around, we would get a place that would accommodate them and allow for them to come and stay as long as they would like (especially grandparents after they retire). The one bonus to Florida is that a lot of people tend to move to Florida to retire, so many homes are set up with either an in-law suite with a 2nd master bedroom and private bathroom, or even in some cases a totally separate living space on the same property, with their own kitchen and living space. Ideally, I'd prefer the latter, just so we all have some personal space and time, while still enjoying each other a lot of the time. If we had that, we'd welcome and encourage family/friends to come down for as long as they'd like, and hope that the grandparents would take turns coming down for months at a time (maybe even 6 months each or something). Even in that best scenario, we wouldn't see them all year though..but at least it'd be a good part of the year, and some grandparent would hopefully be around all or most of the year. The only negative is that there's still a few years until retirement. Mom only has 1-3 (at most), but Lisa and Bruce feel they need to work another 6 years. So that is rough because we want them there now. Lol.
The counselor also pointed out that given the cheaper cost of living, we could use my salary to put away to use for travels--so we can come visit, so we can help others afford to visit us, so we can hop on a plane if there is an emergency, etc. But...realistically, it's still not as ideal as right now as far as family. But it is do-able. I think it grandparents were able/ready to retire right now, it'd be a no-brainer. As far as siblings/niece/nephews, as she put it, it's not like we're seeing them every weekend now anyway. It's every other month or so. Yes, it'd be less, but again we can help them fly down financially, or make the most of it when we see them. And there's Skype, and social media. Although I still feel guilty because I know how much the cousins love each other. Although the counselor did also say, as the kids get older, they are going to become more and more involved in school and extracurricular activities, and even less likely to get together during weekends and stuff. So then it makes me think, then what is the point of living here as long as we've got the grandparents with us for part of the year? As you can see, I'm so back and forth. Haha.
The other thing is that I'm afraid to make an emotional decision. I feel like that's how I got into this mess in the first place. In all honesty, I think a big reason I made the decision to move back north was because I had experienced the postpartum after Emily was born. My hormones were completely out of whack, I was emotional and freaked out. I wanted my mommy or Matt's mommy. I felt trapped and alone (which was far from the truth). So I made a knee-jerk reaction to move. And by the time my hormones were normalizing and life was settling down, we had already gotten the ball rolling to move, had our house on the market, was making the preparations to move. As a counselor I would have told my clients to wait 6 months after a major life change to make any other major life decisions, but I wasn't in a good/clear place at the time. I don't want to make another decision based off of emotion when I'm sad...although, deep down I know it's not the same. I haven't been happy since I moved here, and the growing sadness is because of that. But fear makes me second guess it....
I also made the decision for Matt and the girls. Even though I knew it wasn't ideal for me up north, I knew Matt went back and forth about living in SC. He'd say he felt "bipolar"--he loved it at times, enjoyed our friendships, lifestyle, weather, but he missed his parents and wasn't thrilled with work options and school ratings. I didn't want him to live in a place where he was unhappy, where he would end up resenting me for staying. I also wanted the girls to have grandparents involved in their lives. So I put their feelings and needs above my own. Now it's flipped where I'm less than thrilled here, feeling sad and angry about my lost hopes, dreams and loves. Trying to find a solution where we can ALL be happy. Not sure if there is one....
So anyway, here are our choices....
Stay here. Do nothing. Keep trying to make it work. Try to make the most of it. Try to focus on the positives (which there are some) and let go of other stuff. See if the financial burdens lessen as the girls go to school--no cost of preschool, me working some more....Take anti depressants for 6 months to get me through the rough months...haha. Although I'm only half joking, it may come down to that to get me through.....
Leave here, but move to someplace still close to family, although still not sure where that is. Honestly, neither of us want to move to upsate NY. I'd love to be closer to my family, but that'd be going even more backwards. It's usually even colder than here, and they have an extra two weeks before and after us of colder weather, and I can barely stand the long length now. And I had outgrown that area a long time ago. Yes it would give me nicer people and more affordability, but it's really not ideal.
We talked about moving to south Jersey again. Both of us liked it there, it's got our roots where we first met and got engaged, it's slightly warmer with less snow than north Jersey. But it's still Jersey, and quite frankly Jersey has left a bad taste in my mouth. It's also still colder than I desire. And quite frankly, it totally defeats the purpose of "living close to family" when we are now a couple hours from Matt's parents, and like 5 hours from my family. Now it's even further, more of an inconvenience. If I'm going to make an annoying long car ride, I may as well live in a place I/we really like.
There's the option of trying to find another state or place within a couple hours distance of both families, but that's kind of grasping at straws to move where there is no one we know.....
There's still Greenville, SC. Which to me, I LOVED and could/would live there in a heartbeat again. But, I don't think Matt would be as happy there. He totally jumped on the idea of Florida because he and I have always both loved Florida and atmosphere and what it has to offer....but he'd be more hesitant going there (Greenville). He'd go because he knows how much I loved it, but I'd wonder if he'd be happy or if he'd resent me for doing it. He also had exhausted all options for the good paying jobs there, and didn't really like anything there work-wise since it was so corporate. He also doesn't like the really bad school ratings. We both have said that we don't expect or want our kids to try to be Einstein, but we do want them to get a good education. He also thinks if we are going to take the plunge and be away from family, why not live in a totally ideal area. The only reason I'm more inclined to Greenville is that we have everything there. We have amazing friendships establishes there already, it has the church and community, the neighbors, the familiarity, the "home", the start of our family and where our children were born (although sadly, my home is gone)....we'd have a safety net, which is comforting being so far away from family (at least for part of the time).
Then there's Florida. I'm not going to lie, weather wise and environment wise, I love the idea of Florida even more than Greenville. After the winters here, I'm good with not having winters ever again. LOL. Greenville still had one, it was just shorter and less intense. 50's for a daytime low, beaches and palm trees sound very very very good. I love that Florida has more housing to accommodate family moreso than Greenville/very appealing styles of homes too. I love that even though I wouldn't have all of my Greenville best friends there, I'd have one of the most important ones that I had made there with me. And, although Greenville is still 6 hours from there, it's still better than 14. I could go for a weekend or longer weekend, and visit much more often than I can now. Florida also has a big airport within a half hour for cheaper/frequent flights. And it's actually just 2.5 hours further than Greenville was to drive since Greenville was so far west. It has the churches/lots of options and the friendly people from the south that I miss. It also has closer cities and things to do, whereas after you leave Greenville, you have a good hour before you get to another "hot spot".
Cons are that Jen and Jim could leave, then we'd have no one (although I'm sure we'd establish other good friends and develop a network and support, but something to consider especially after having had a hard time building up friendships here). It's still less ideal family situation, and it's uprooting our family/families in order to take a risk that we could either potentially love, or potentially regret).
I think the hardest piece is that it's not just me. If it were just me, I already know what I'd do, no questions asked. But it's not just me. I worry about what is best for Matt, what is best for our marriage, what is best for my children, what is best for the grandparents, cousins, siblings. I think about our friends....and I even think about some of my clients who are very attached to me. So it's so hard.
I told the counselor that I wish there was a physical sign, with an arrow pointing and saying "go here, this is the right choice for you". She did say, with all of the things that have transpired about the Florida thing/especially given the job thing, maybe we just got that sign.
I don't know. Needless to say, I've been praying and praying about it. Researching. Talking to others. Nothing needs to be decided one way or another until God makes it clear to us. If anyone reading this has any feedback, I'm always open to it.
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