Did I Love You Enough Today?

I found this really powerful blog post written by another mother through Facebook. I thought I'd share it and then comment at the end...

Did I Love You Enough Today??

The sun is going down. We’ve sung the last song, read the last book, and tucked you back into bed for the seventeenth time. The day is coming to a close and I breathe a sigh of relief. All day long, I look forward to the bedtime hour. Two more hours till bedtime. One more hour. Thirty minutes. 10 minutes. As soon as you’re in bed, the cleaning starts. I pick up the toys, wipe down the counters, wash the dishes, and fold the laundry. Then the relaxing starts. I put on my sweats, grab my snack, turn on Netflix, and snuggle up with your daddy. Then it’s my bedtime. I turn the t.v. off, climb into bed, and just before my head hits the pillow, I ask myself,

“Did I love them enough today?”

You see, the day goes so fast, but the moments drag on and on and on. I know you don’t understand why the way you say my name drive me crazy sometimes. I know you get frustrated when plans change and people cancel and things don’t work out. I know how hard it is for you when I forget to toast your bread before putting the peanut butter on it and how life threatening that shoe to the head must have felt. I try to give grace because you probably didn’t mean to sit on your baby sister’s head … twice … in two minutes. But the truth is, I fail. So much. I snap. I yell. I cry. I angry text your daddy and threaten mutiny multiple times a day. I get sad and I can’t explain why. I get angry and have a hard time hiding it. I get lonely and insecure and frustrated and sometimes I say things that I can’t take back.

So when I get to the end of the day…the day that I’ll never get to have with you again…I go over the details, the highs and the lows, and I wonder if you felt loved the whole day. Once you’re in bed, sleeping soundly, I almost completely forget how hard the day was for me. In the moment, the chaos is so real, but when it’s over, it’s over and I just want to wake you up and say, “HEY! You did good today, kid.”

I hope that I loved you enough today. I hope that everyday you know that you are loved and that nothing you can do or say can change that. I hope that you see through my tears of frustration and know that I am so proud of you. You are the best thing I ever did. I love you fiercely and I hope you always know that. Not just in the long run, but every single frustrating day.

Did I love you enough today, little one? I sure hope so.

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As I mentioned, I found this post on Facebook. So many other mothers "shared" this post, and/or commented on how they could have written this themselves. Today as I reread this, it makes me a little teary eyed because it's hitting a little close to home.  Today is one of those days for me.  It's comforting knowing I'm not alone.

Parenting is really wonderful. Parenting is also really hard. My friends who don't have kids will ask me what it's like, and I tell them that it's one of the most maddening, frustrating, make you want to pull your hair out of your head, wonderful, amazing, rewarding, wouldn't want to change it for the world kind of things. You experience all of those emotions at times, and sometimes all within a two minute time period depending on the day. 

Right now we are at interesting ages and phases. First off, we are on summer "vacation". Which mean no school, no regular routine, less breaks. We have also been super busy since vacation started--taking several longer-car ride day trips and weekend trips, staying up past our regular bedtimes, and being off our regular schedule. That in itself makes it challenging, despite them being fun activities. 

The girls are also at interesting phases. Ashley and Emily have officially entered the fighting phase, just in time for school to be let out. Most of it is Ashley melting down and getting angry and frustrated at Emily for her instigating. Which to be honest, I can't blame her for because even I have a hard time staying calm and patient with Emily's behavior lately. She is in full-force 2 year old mode. VERY mischievous, getting into things she knows she's not supposed to, running away, not listening to anything, starting arguments with Ashley--ALL DAY LONG, EVERY SINGLE DAY. It is maddening and exhausting! I try so so hard to stay calm, patient, and consistent, but some days I feel just like this blurb. I've read a bunch of books on parenting, I've tried using my own tools and approaches from counseling, I've prayed repeatedly, I've done my best at self care and taking "me" time, but I just feel weary sometimes. You take that, and combine it Ashley, and it's just rough some days. Poor Ashley is actually pretty well behaved. She has her typical kid moments and behaviors, but a lot of times she is behaving, but still wears on me. She is very bright, and therefore extremely talkative and loud. She just goes and goes all day long like the energizer bunny. That drains me too. I'm definitely a "social introvert". I'm social and outgoing, but then I also really like and NEED some quiet time, peace and calm. I don't have that in my household right now. I'm also doing it alone from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed (minus the lunch break) 5 days a week. We've also been dealing with Emily waking up anywhere from 1-4x a night for at least a month now (and I NEED sleep in order to function, or it really starts to affect me). It's a challenging phase...

There's the quote that I LOVE that I hang on my refrigerator, and make a point to look at and read on a daily basis. It goes, 

"Oh give me patience when wee hands
tug at me with their small demands.
And give me gentle smiling eyes,
Keep my lips from hasty replies.
And let not weariness, confusion or noise
Obscure my vision of life's fleeting joys.
So when, in years to come
my house is still--
No bitter memories its room may fill."

And as much as I sit here and can rant about how frustrated I am, how tired I am, and how some days are so rough....I equally can sit here and say, as the blog post said, I LOVE my children fiercely. I would do anything for them. I'd give my life for them if it came down to it. They also bring me so much joy and happiness and fulfillment. As hard as some days are, I would NEVER trade these days, the special moments in between the chaos, for anything in the world. I just hope my kids know that. And when they look back on their lives, and their childhood, that they can say that they were happy and always knew their parents loved them.