The Land Between

So, I typically use this blog to write about the girls and the latest happenings, but I had to share a recent God moment that really had an impact on me.

First, some background. I've been struggling. I've been feeling lost, sad and angry. It is my third winter here in NJ, and every winter I go through this. Except over time it's gotten worse, not better. Some people think I get "seasonal depression", which I completely admit that I am affected by that, but it's more than that. When it's winter (and even a majority of the fall), and it's freezing and everything is dead for months and months on end, that's when it hits me. The snow and cold becomes a symbol and makes me think of the great weather I left behind when we moved from SC, which then makes me think about all the other great things I left behind. My house, which although was nothing spectacular, was still MY house that I loved, that I brought my babies home to, that I had shared a majority of my married years in (at the time), that had A LOT of memories sentimental meaning to me....my best friends that I left behind and that cannot be replaced--friends that loved, encouraged,  and supported me; that were real and that I could be real with, that prayed with me and for me. My church that I loved and that I learned from and grew. Alanon group which became a great "family" to me, great coworkers and job I liked, my lake that I walked around almost every day. My lifelong hope and dreams of living down south (which I absolutely LOVED more than I had even imagined I would).  I left behind a lot. I still miss and grieve that stuff a lot--throughout the whole year, but even more so in the winter.

I'm not going to lie, I was really hoping that things would turn out the way it did in the movie, Up. There, the old man was soooo attached to his home, his old life and memories of his wife. But ultimately in the end, he gave up his home and "moved forward" in life making new fun memories with new people. He realized "it was just a house". Sort of that happily ever after. I'll also admit that I had prayed and prayed about our decision, and "gave it all over to God" to lead us in the direction that he wanted for our lives. And since I did that, and followed the path that God lead us down, I guess somewhere I imagined that that would mean that this was all His will, so it'd be smooth sailing. It has not.

Moving to NJ has been very hard for me. There have been some really great things that have come out of it. First, Matt's parents live nearby, and that's been great. They are really fantastic grandparents (and parents to us). It is very comforting having them close, and it's been a true joy seeing my kids involved and interacting with them, my parents, their cousins, Aunts and Uncles. I'm incredibly grateful for that. It's been nice being able to be close enough to travel up to NY for special birthday parties or events (although, unfortunately not close enough to still be involved and make it to all the things I'd like to). I've been able to reconnect with my old childhood best friend and have our kids play together which is so cool. My other best friend, Dylan, and his family don't live here, but have family who do, so I'm able to see him a couple times a year when they're in town from CA. That wouldn't have happened if we were still in SC, and I'm grateful for that time.
But as a whole, a lot of it has sucked. First, it's been very hard to make good friends here. At first I thought it was because of the ages of the girls. When we first moved here, Ashley was almost 2.5 and Emily was a baby. It was very hard establishing friendships when you couldn't have any meaningful conversations due to chasing two little ones going in different directions, or constant interruptions from one of our kids. But thankfully that has changed, and I am able to talk more. I've also sought out just mom's/women my age. I remember being so excited to go out with just moms, because I just "knew" that would be it--I'd have some good, uninterrupted, conversation and make some good connections. But I left there disgusted by what the conversations were about, and how shallow and materialistic some were. I've seen that repeatedly since then....a lot of the women gossip, talk about others/make fun of others, are hyper focused on things/materials, etc. NOT my style, whatsoever. I have been blessed to have met a couple good friends, which have been my Godsends. But as a whole, it's definitely challenging to find good quality people around here. I don't fit in, and quite frankly, I don't even want to try to.
 I've also been deeply missing my God connection. It's hard for me to find much quiet time/God time throughout my non-stop, loud busy days. So I NEED a good church to give me that in addition to my own time. We've been here almost 3 years, and have "shopped around", and still couldn't find a church we really loved. I think it's been hard because we had such a unique, amazing church down in SC that is hard to replace. We did find one that we liked, but it was a half hour away from our house, and we were wanting to keep looking so we can get connected in the church community.
Also, I know God is everywhere, but I also feel very connected to God when I'm outside in nature. That's hard to do when I'm cooped up in the house for 6 months feeling like a caged rat. And no, I will not take up skiing or other "winter" activities to be outside, not my thing. I do try to bundle up and take walks when the weather is tolerable. But it's not the same.
I've also been upset and angry about the expense. We just cannot afford to live here without one or both of us working more. We easily made it work for me to work part time and still pay the bills down in SC. When we moved, I had told Matt that that was one thing I did not want to sacrifice. If we couldn't make it work, I wanted to wait until we could before moving. I just believe kids are better off having mom home as much as possible. No one loves you or knows you like your momma. I also personally believe that that has been the downfall of society. Mom's are now expected to play both rolls--the traditional expectations of cooking, cleaning, holding the family together, caring for their husband and children's emotional needs, helping with homework, etc...while also now working 40 hours like a man, and upholding all of the work stressors and expectations that a job entails. It's a lot of juggling, balancing and stress. Something, someone suffers. Don't get me wrong. Staying home is not for everyone. I believe some women do better and are happier working and being out of the home. I just believe that women should still have the right to choose--to work if they'd like, and to stay home if they'd like, without pressures or guilt about their decisions. I also tend to be more traditional, and believe there is lot of truth and success to the biblical definition of marriage--where the husband is the leader, the provider, and the women are the helpers. Lastly, staying home is the last part of life that I didn't lose which currently reflects my personal hopes and dreams.
 We knew money would be tight. I knew we'd be keeping it simple, not spending/doing much...I expected that. But I didn't expect us to do that and still be going backward and getting further along in debt without Matt or I working more or being away from the kids more. I still do 1x/week at the office, and am now running a group while the girls are in school as well as doing phone sessions (which I don't mind since the girls aren't home so it doesn't take away from them), and Matt's back to doing a second job which sucks. That makes me angry. I'm thankful and grateful that he has the opportunity, I'm so thankful that he is willing to work hard so I don't have to give up my dream. But it sucks. I don't want him having to work more either, especially when I know he wouldn't have had to down in SC.
So why not move back? It's not so simple. First of all, I'd feel tremendously guilty and selfish, bringing my girls up here, letting our families watch them grow and bond, then ripping them away again. It would break their hearts. My girls get lots of joy from it too. How could I do that? Plus, we're still faced with the same obstacles down there that made us move back up north in the first place. It's a lot to travel back and forth--financially (hundreds of dollars each trip), time-wise (long, long car rides which would probably be even longer now with all the talking, bathroom breaks, kids arguing. We also would use lots of limited vacation time to come up. People can't just come down in times of emergency or vice versa like you could being close. Also, if we did ever go down again, we would want our parents to be around and involved, which means we'd be accommodating them for weeks or months at a time after they retire. And although I love them all very much, and would also plan to do this when they're old and in need of our help, I'm not sure living together is right just yet.

So...here I am. Feeling lost. Not sure where to go. Knowing I was the happiest I'd ever been down in SC, missing many things I had down there. But not sure if I can return there. And not sure where to go. But pretty confident this isn't the long term plan for me.

So anyway, that was quite a long-winded background. I think it turned into a journaling/venting session :)

So anyway....here is the God part. I know it was God, because it was too amazing to be coincidence, and I've had several similar God moments to feel they're random. Anyway, on Saturday night, Matt was tucking Ashley into bed. She randomly started talking about Sunday school, and said that she "wanted to go to the church with the water fountain" (it had a fountain in it because it's held in a really nice hotel). This was actually the church we had liked, but had left because it was far from our house and we wanted to find closer. We had gone a few times, but hadn't been in at least a year or more. So it was kind of random. This of course, immediately made me wonder if/what God was going to reveal to me since he clearly used my child to direct us there. We wouldn't have gone otherwise. So I was curious, was this a sign?

I get there, and the church's intro starts off as: "At this age..age this stage...but what happens when life takes a detour? You hit a dead end you didn't see coming. You lose your job, a relationship goes south, or a dream is lost. What happens when you find yourself stuck between the place you once were and the place you're trying to reach? Welcome to The Land Between"....WOAH. It talked about how people couldn't go back to their past, and they are trying to get to the Promised Land, and what should have been a two month trip turned into a 40 year detour, with detour after detour after detour of trials. And how despite the hardship and trials, God was there. He was in control, he had a plan for ultimate good for them. That he was using these trials and detours to do some of his greatest work in me. He didn't leave them. He provided for them along the way. They needed to trust God, believe in him. They had a choice to turn to fear, or their trust in God. They were finally just 11 miles away, at the home stretch, and knew there was good in front of them, but so tired and weary that they didn't believe that they could overcome the last hurdle in front of them.....I will admit. I trusted God in his plan. But somewhere over the course of the time here, I started growing doubtful and weary. I couldn't understand why God would give me all of these great things, show me this wonderful life, then take it all away from me and "plop me here" in  this cold, hard, seemingly Godless/loveless place. I tried over and over again to reach out to God and connect with him through finding a good church, and quiet time with him, but felt I couldn't, that the doors were closing. FEAR and hopelessness made me feel like maybe God just dropped me off and left me here. Or maybe I was being punished. But this message, it was not a mistake. It was not a coincidence. It spoke directly in me and to me, so much so that I cried during the closing prayer. It was God. God reassuring me that He is here with me. He's been with me every step of this journey. Even though I may not be happy here, he has provided me with people and things I've needed to get me through. He has a plan for me, a plan for good. I need to hold on, take it one day at a time, and trust him to bring me to the Promised Land, wherever that may be. It truly filled my soul and gave me the recharging that I needed to keep pressing on. Thank you God for using my daughter to lead me there, to hear that message that I needed just at the perfect time. Thank you for the reassurance that you are with me.