Vent post

So welcome 2015. Again, I'm catching up. I'm not going to even apologize for letting time lapse anymore, because I think it's just the new "season" of how it'll be for a while. Busy busy busy all the time. In fact, this is the first time I've even sat down and used the computer in at least a week I think. Lol.

Things here have been ok. I'm coming along to the other side of a dip that I have been in. I have been feeling blah, or even sad/very mildly depressed. I'm not sitting there crying or deeply depressed, just as I said, feeling kinda blah and not really enjoying life like I usually do. Even Christmas--Christmas is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love the lights, the music, the Christmas meaning and spirit, the fun anticipation, etc. But it was really hard to get into it this year. Luckily Christmas day I did.
I know exactly why I feel this way too.  I think one of the biggest issues is that Matt had to pick up a second job to make ends meet, so he works LONG days 5 days a week....basically he leaves when the girls get up (sometimes even before), then works until they go to bed (7:30/8pm). Thankfully he gets a longer lunch, so that kinda makes up for it since that's the girls only time with him.
When we moved to NJ, we knew things would be really tight. After looking at 70+ homes, we bought one that we knew was going to be REALLY really pushing our budget. But we agreed that it was better in the long run so we wouldn't grow out of our new house before we even got into it. I also assumed it would mean really pinching pennies and watching our spending, not picking up more work.
We had some moving $ which we blew through in the first year (paying bills/living expenses), and started going backward in debt....so it was either he work, or I work more. My job has slowed down (I still have a decent amount of clients, but they're doing better and are on more of a rotation now), and no new referrals. I have made a few attempts to get new clients, without luck. I could start looking elsewhere, but I REALLY want to be home with my girls. Ashley is always telling me that she doesn't want me to leave to go to work, and I feel guilty enough for the one day.
I think part of me is just angry, because when we talked about moving, I had said to Matt that I didn't want to have to give up on my dream of being home with the girls (for the most part), but I also didn't want him to have to work more either. I said that if we could make it work now, great...but if we couldn't, I wanted to hold off on moving until we could. It wasn't until after we sold our house and moved that reality of the situation hit. And now here we are in this situation...and it really stinks.
I so appreciate him busting his butt for our family, and all of his hard work to support our family and help me keep my dream of staying home. But then I'm upset at the same time. Had I had a crystal ball to see into the future, I never would have agreed to moving if I had known we'd end up where we are. It's been really awesome seeing our family more and having them all more involved in our lives (the girls absolutely love it, and it is comforting knowing we're close in case anyone has emergencies, and we're not missing out on the special moments), as well as great opportunities to rekindle things with old friends that I could never do living down South...but not at the expense of losing lots of time with my husband/the girls daddy. Call me crazy, but after all these years I still love my husband and love spending time with him. I have a great time doing things with the girls, but it's not the same without him experiencing things with us.
I get frustrated too because I left a place I LOVED--a house I loved, a great neighborhood and town, best friends, job, etc....I do like our new house and it does feel like "home" now, but it just seems insane to me to be so broke and working so much just to be in it. Especially since it was a lateral move--it's not like we moved into a bigger, better home and opted to stretch our budget to do so. In our new place, some things are worse, some rooms are smaller, and some things are better. Also, Oakland itself is nice, but our very close neighboring towns are filled with mc-mansions with 5 car garages bigger than our house, and lots of people focused on materialistic things and appearances--all crap that I could care less about. I dunno. Don't get me wrong, we have been making some really nice friends here too finally, and our neighbors are great. Just frustrated is all....
The other sucky part is that I feel like I haven't been as good of a mom as a result of this change. I feel like a single mother all week long (minus the perks of getting some weekends off like you would as single mom)....I'm doing a lot of it alone. I'm tired. I'm weary. A LOT of the time. So I feel like I'm not as patient or as loving as I "should be". Then I worry maybe I'm not benefiting my kids being home with them if I'm like this. Just not the "dream" I had in mind staying at home doing so much of it alone. But yet I don't think I want to give it up either...
So take that, and couple it with feeling stir crazy with the cold temps (the winter is just SOOOO long here which is another complaint), a lack of sleep (we are going on a good two months and Emily is still waking up every night (but thankfully at least going right back to sleep), and missing God/church, here we are.
I'm going to work on the God thing. We've had the sickest year of our lives (colds, bronchitis, flus, etc) which has caused us to miss a good bit, coupled with busy weekends, as well as still not having found the true "fit" for a church...so Matt and I talked and are going to be more adamant about it. I miss it...I also know that being outside in nature makes me feel more connected to God, and with the cold I'm cooped up a lot more. But we will be ok...
I also still desperately miss my friends down south. I met some once in a lifetime friends there. I could talk to them about anything. They loved me unconditionally, they supported me, encouraged me and helped me to grow in different areas. We also had friends of strong faith, who encouraged our marriage to grow and help thrive (and vice versa). Without the faith piece, friends here lack some of that. Also people just seem to be more cynical or negative outlooks on life in general...I really miss that....another reason I hope to get involved in a local church. But like I said, we have been making some nice friends finally--people I enjoy hanging out with, doing activities with, etc...just missing that deeper level--but then again, that takes time to develop with anyone. Not instantaneous. I know that. And I still have my friends down south (and other parts of the world) that are STILL in my life and still very special. They are a Skype or a phone call away. It's just that with doing the whole long day myself, I'm usually just so tired and worn out by the time the girls go to bed, it's hard to muster up the energy to talk more even though I really want/need to. So I've been trying to do some Skype dates while Ashley is in school, and that's been working out nicely.
I've still been pushing on. I read parenting books and pray a lot for patience and guidance with the girls. I may be stinking at it, but I get an A for effort and desire.
I'm still making time for me. I go to the YMCA as regularly as I can between illnesses, and still really enjoy the classes and learning. I try to make time with friends when I can.

Well gotta run, time to have a "tea party" with the girls....