Feeling a little homesick...

So the title of this post is a little funny considering I am writing this from home. I am actually referring to my other "home", Greenville SC.  We just got back a couple of days ago from visiting there. It was the first time going back since we moved nearly a year ago...

Prior to the trip, I wasn't sure how I'd feel going back. I was super excited beforehand, and I was talking to Matt and saying how in a lot of ways, Greenville still feels like my home in my heart. I wasn't sure if it'd feel like that when I got there or not, so I was curious. Well...it did. Very much so.

The second we pulled off the highway onto Pelham Road, it was like "ahhh, I'm home!!" I still got the warm fuzzy's, I still got the "all the world is right" feeling that I got from such a welcoming, clean, new area. It almost felt as though I had never left.

We split up the week staying with a couple of different friends. The first half of the week we were invited to stay with our friends Scott and Leann Barnes, our friends and neighbors right in our old development. I was SUPER excited to stay there, to be back in our neighborhood surrounded by our friends and neighbors. Before we even went to their house, I told Matt that I wanted to go to our street and see our house (our old house). We pulled up and it was so nice. I was pleased to see that nothing had dramatically changed from the outside. The only thing different was that our palm trees had grown a lot since we left.  It was weird seeing "my" house again, knowing it wasn't mine anymore.

As we were strolling by, our old neighbor Teresa happened to be pulling out of her driveway so we beeped and waved, then pulled over and we all got out. Then our neighbors Steve and Sandy saw the commotion and came out. It was so nice to be greeted with warm hugs by our neighbors. The girls got out and played while we chatted and caught up a little. Then, I decided to walk with the girls over to Scott and Leann's so we could stretch our legs and also take in the old neighborhood. As we walked, we were greeted by our other old neighbor Kenia and her kids (as well as other neighborhood kids). The kids all played in the quiet culdesac (just like old times) while we chatted for a few. Leann then came out and greeted us.  It was just sooo nice. I will forever miss our neighborhood and community that we had there--people sat outside, chatted, kids played together. It was as close to the feeling I had living at college surrounded by friends as I've ever felt. I sooo miss that.

That afternoon we took a walk around our old lake. It's finally filled up and restored back to it's old self--with a couple minor changes added to it. It was sooo nice to do that too--some of my most special and sacred memories are from our (almost daily) strolls around the lake--first just Matt and I, then with the girls as our family grew, and all the talks and dreams we had there.

The next day I took Emily for a walk in the stroller while Matt stayed at the house with Ashley. I had decided to again head in the direction of our old house. As I was walking past, the boyfriend was outside. I asked him if he lived there and he said yes. I introduced myself, told him who I was (that I had lived there), we chatted about how he liked the house and the neighborhood and such. Then Anna (the girl who bought it from us) came outside. She remembered me from when she came over during the house inspection. We chatted a minute and she invited me to come in and see the place. I wasn't sure what to do. In one way, I didn't want to go in because in my heart and mind, that is still MY house. Yes, I live in a new house, and yes I am settled in and have made it our own. But that house is and always will be, my house. The house I had most of my married years in (up to this point), the house I brought my babies home to, the house where they had their baby moments in. Yes we have (and are) making new memories in our new house, but that still feels like my home. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see it as NOT my home anymore. But another part of me was really curious to see it. So since she offered, I decided to go in. It was definitely bittersweet. In one way it was nice to see--it was almost surreal. She had kept some things the same (some paint colors like the living room, kitchen and hallway). She kept the light fixtures (the ones Matt and I picked out ourselves), but then other things were totally different--she obviously painted lots of rooms to me them her own, she added an island in the kitchen, and she redid the floors in the bathrooms and laundry room (which needed it). It really was beautiful. So that made me feel good to see it taken care of with pride. But then it was bittersweet because it just showed me that it's not my house anymore. Someone else lives in it now. Life has moved forward. In one way it helped give me closure, in another way it made me sad.

I think I cried like 3 times while being down there. Mainly because I was happier...and angrier...than I have been in awhile. I was soooooo happy to be visiting, so happy to see my house, my lake, my neighborhood, my friends that feel like family, so happy to enjoy the gorgeous 80 degree weather that they were having....
But I was also so angry. I am really really angry. Angry that there couldn't be a better way. I loved EVERYTHING there. I loved my house, my neighborhood, my amazing friends, my job, the area, the newness, the weather, people were a lot friendlier. I LOVED IT. It has always always been a dream of mine to live down south. And I walked away from my dream. And I'm angry.

Now for everyone reading this from up north, don't be mistaken--we are in the right place. I know that as sad and as angry as I am about moving from there, I know we made the right decision to move. It has been really really great living closer to our families, and seeing them on a much more regular basis. We couldn't, and wouldn't trade that for anything. I just wish that is was a perfect world where I could have both. Where I could have everything and everyone from up here in the north, AND have everything and everyone from down there in the south. I'm praying that's what heaven will be like.

I guess I was in some fantasy land where I imagined that we could just all hop on and take a quick flight up to the north and see our family whenever we wanted to, while enjoying the southern benefits. Or in the fantasy land where maybe we could convince our families to move down south with us (my mom actually would, but she had a few more years before she can retire in order to get her benefits for teaching)--but Cheryl is staying in NY, Matt's parents have their friends and family and have been settled for years, and Andrew and Lauren have no plans for that either. Not happening. And I hate it.
There is no quick easy flight. Prior to kids, it was much easier to fly and visit. But eventually we'd have to pay for all four of us to fly (which adds up quick), and even with the quick flight, there are still delays (and even cancellations) that happen ALL the time that make it a huge hassle. Then there's the packing for an entire family and getting through the security line with the family and our things. Just a huge hassle. And driving is just too much. Too long and not fair to the girls to be doing on a regular basis.
So, for now it was time to walk away from the dream....sad as it is. I just get envious because I see Kristyn and Brian traveling the world and living out their dream living in a different country, and I just wish sometimes I was still living out my dream of living down south....but just impossible during this season in our lives. And I would not want our families missing out on our girls lives, nor would I want our girls (or us) missing out on our families lives either. AND, even though living down south was my dream, my biggest dream ever was to have a family and children, and I have that. So I am living the ultimate dream for me. Wouldn't change it for the world. I'd rather live in an area that I only semi-like with my husband and children than live in an area I love without them. ANY DAY.

Anyway...so the trip was great. My only complaint was that it was too short. We had to break our days up into three sections--morning, afternoon, evening. And pretty much every section was filled up every day trying to see as many people as we could. It was a tease because it was not nearly as much time as I would have liked to have had...but I savored every moment we had together, and was so thankful we got to see everyone we did....we had a couple fun game nights/hang outs with Scott and Leann since we stayed with them, we had dinner with the Wagners and the kids had a great time playing together. We had a playground playdate with the Lastinger's and Wagner's (minus Matt W. at work) and then lunch with them, we had a girl outing to get our nails done and chat (with the girls who weren't at work--it was daytime). We went downtown with the Browns and had dinner and walked around downtown with them, we had a playdate with the Heatley's, the girls and I met Leah for lunch while Matt golfed, I had a fun girls night out--had dinner with Jen L so we could catch up a little, then went to Uptown Art where you do a painting class while enjoying a glass of wine--LOTS of fun. Matt had a playdate with Matt W. and kids. I visited work and saw Beth and other coworkers there, stopped for a real quick visit to see my LPC supervisor Dr. Burton, we saw old babysitter Katelyn (or Kay Kay) as Ashley calls her, we visited my friend Shelly and her new twin babies Seth and Annabelle, Matt golfed with Rico and did some morning workout games with his old gang, he went out to dinner with them, we visited some more with our neighbors Gary and Melinda, Steve and Sandy, and Teresa (Tom was at work). I got in my coffee talk with Beth and saw Peter and girls another quick time. Had a nice dinner with Rico and his family while staying with them. Went to the art house  with Christi and kids, etc. Jam packed fun. I'm sure there may even be more but that's all I can recollect at the moment. Lots of fun times and memories.....

So now I am just a little homesick...Have that little "void" feeling at the moment....but so grateful that we were able to go back and see everyone. It's funny, it's been almost a year but in some ways I felt like I had just seen them all last week. When you have such good friends you just pick up where you left off. The only way I knew time had passed was seeing the kids--it's amazing the difference just a year makes. They had all grown so much and were talking and doing so many new things. Crazy.