We've Moved

 It's been a really long time since I posted. Life just got away from me. It's just a reflection of how busy things have been. The older the girls get, the busier we seem to get with school, homework, activities, play dates, etc. I just don't have the time to sit and write as much these days. I've also taken a hiatus to work on myself.

Anyway, to sum things up, we have moved. As a therapist, I believe in the importance of therapy during different life seasons. Matt and I have been working with our own individual therapists (and sometimes together). I have to say, it's been life changing. My therapist has been so monumentally helpful in my life journey. Working with him, combined with some fantastic podcasts and books, have helped me step into my best life yet. We both have been focusing on creating our very best lives, following our dreams, creating deep connection in our marriage and family.

As you know from previous posts, I was pretty unhappy where we were. Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate it like I first did. The first two to three years I was pretty depressed there, but eventually I did find some good friends, and the school district was great for the kids. So it became more tolerable--I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. I just felt like a fish out of water. Since we were close to NYC, it had a lot of the city attitude--rushing, honking, cursing, more hard exteriors/attitudes, focus on having the best clothing, purses, activities for the kids, etc. It didn't resonate with me. But I stayed stuck in suffering for everyone else. I stayed up north because I didn't want to hurt or disappoint our parents, siblings. I didn't want to risk hurting my kids, and uprooting them from everyone/everything that they knew and loved. I put everyone's needs above my own. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't realize just how unhappy I had become until I compare to where I'm at now.

First, my therapist helped me realize that in addition to that, I had developed a trauma response to when we moved here from SC. I knew pretty immediately that I had made a mistake moving back up north. So any time I attempted to leave or to move, I'd become almost paralyzed about making the right decision, because I didn't want to make such a huge mistake again. So I'd torture myself trying to find the right place to move to, because I "needed to get it right and not make a mistake". It would paralyze me when it came to go-time. 

My therapist told me that the only way we hurt our kids is when we do things/don't do things out of fear. I also found this amazing podcast, which I followed up by reading the book called Untamed, that talked about how mothers are conditioned to become martyrs, to abandon ourselves out of love. She wrote: "I burned the memo presenting responsible motherhood as martyrdom. I decided that the call of motherhood is to become a model, not a martyr. I unbecame a mother slowly dying in her children's name and became a responsible mother: one who shows her children how to fully live". She asked, "what if our children only go as far as we do?" I decided to take the leap of faith, and do what makes my soul happy in order to live the best life I can, just as I want my children to do.

So we decided to take the plunge and try moving south again. We were thinking of different options. Either Greenville SC or Florida. Sadly, Greenville wasn't at the top of the list anymore for several different reasons, ranging from no good job opportunities for Matt, low rated school systems, etc. We wanted a clean fresh start, so we decided to try for the West Coast of Florida. We had visited and found a few really amazing spots. We narrowed it down to a place called Lakewood Ranch, which was everything I dreamt of, Naples and another spot that I'm now forgetting. My therapist said to give it our best shot, and if we can make it happen without forcing solutions, it's a yes from God. If it's forcing it, it's a no. So Matt and I set up boundaries of what yes and no would be, and we gave it our all. He had several job interviews. I had hard, honest conversations with both sets of parents stating that I was no longer putting everyone else's feelings and need above my own, and that we were going to pursue our dreams of living down south again. We took all the steps to move....and then we got the NO from God. Matt did get several job offers, but fortunately and unfortunately, Matt has an excellent job with excellent benefits (and our family uses all of them), and we just couldn't get anything remotely close....he got a few good salary offers, but the benefits were terrible....then COVID-19 hit, and jobs diminished. We even tried a second time, and it was a no. 

I was really sad at first, because I had worked so hard to get brave enough to actually take the step, to have these brutally honest conversations with our families, and to take the leap. I really hoped it was a yes. I had to grieve the no. But then I came to terms with it, and actually have peace knowing that I/we did actually try. I have peace and trust God's no, or at least no for right now. 

We also both agreed that if it was a no right now, then we would hold off until kids were done with school. I don't think I mentioned since it's been so long, but Ashley was diagnosed with Autism, level 1. It's very minimal, but it does impact social issues for her. The older you get, the harder it gets to move as kids get older and more cliquey as it is. We didn't want to make it too difficult for her, or Emily. 

So, the south was a no. Since this is where we needed to stay, we started thinking of how to make it the best it could be. We could stay put, and make the most of it. But we decided to stop settling and "making the most of it". We decided to move to Sparta, NJ. Other than the weather, it checks off all the boxes of things we love. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my surroundings majorly impact me. Where we were, the homes and town were old (and some parts ugly), the homes were really close together. In Sparta, it's much newer and beautiful. We moved to a beautiful development where everyone has an acre or more of property, into my "dream neighborhood" that I've always wanted, and into a dream home. Due to COVID, people were all wanting to move out of the city and into the suburbs, so our town in Oakland was selling quickly for a great price. We were able to sell our home with enough money to pay off all of our student loans, car payments, and any remaining debt, plus have some money to put into the new house. Because we moved out of the NYC "bubble", we were able to get a much larger, newer home for only $50k more than our old home in Oakland. 

Sparta is more rural. The older I get, the more and more Matt and I both realize how much we love nature. Every time we had free time, we were driving out to the country. It's my greatest God connection, and self connection. I needed more of that. Our property is absolutely gorgeous. It feeds my soul every time I'm in it. And even though it's more country, it still has a nice town with plenty to do, and all the other "life stuff" is within a 20 minute drive. So it's perfect.

It doesn't check off the nice weather/ palm trees....but I have a neighborhood and home that surpasses anything I ever dreamt of. We have nature, lakes, mountains, a pretty downtown, excellent school system (it's even rated higher than Oakland for part of it). We absolutely love it. 

The cool part, too, is that it's 40 minutes from Oakland. I do wish it were a little closer, but we've been able to see our friends/the kids friends, and have play dates and get togethers. So we get to have everything we love, without losing our old life. Matt is able to keep his current job (it's only 7 minutes further in the opposite direction), and I can keep mine (mine's a longer commute for sure, but I'm only going into office 1x/week, then doing the rest virtual). I also plan to start marketing here locally.

So anyway, it's been a good move. We've been here a little over a month. The girls, thankfully, have been making some really nice friends here. That was my biggest fear, was ripping them away from the great friends they had made in Oakland. But they have maintained friend times with them, and are making some really nice friends here too. 

The girls also love it here. We have a culdesac in the neighborhood that has cows and horses that they love, they love the country, and they love the fact that Emily's cheer is right down the street and Ashley can do horse back riding. People are nicer and friendlier here which is very important to me.

When we decided to move, and we told the kids, I said to them that we were moving in order to step into our best lives, to follow our dreams. I told them we were taking risks and chances, because we want to be brave with our lives the same way we want them to do with their lives when following their dreams. I do think it is a really good thing, to model self love and self care, and that we can do hard things.

I'm excited for this next chapter. 

Summer

Summer has been CRAZY so far! I am exhausted!!! It's been non stop since it let out.

Let's see....
before school even let out, company started with Emily's preschool graduation.
Cheryl, Alyssa, and Louden came for her graduation ceremony and stayed the night. After they left, Mom came down a day or two later and stayed a few days. Both visits were fun but busy. When Cheryl was here, the kids just played the whole day prior to the graduation ceremony. In the short time they were here, they proceeded to pull out every toy that we own like they always do, they played tea party, dress up, they did crafts, they played outside. Fun time. This was also the very first time Louden ever came to our house. The kids had fun playing with him on the floor, copying him while he attempted to reach his foot to his mouth, they had fun feeding him, rocking him, and he even participated in story time. It was so sweet.

Mom's visit also kept us busy. Mom, Ashely and I went to go paint pottery/canvases while Matt took Emily to a soccer game (she's obsessed with soccer right now). We also visited a garden, went out for lunch and ice cream, painted rocks, had long chats, etc.

After mom left, I worked, packed, then we headed to Wildwood for about a week. I took the girls down a day before Matt came down with his parents since they still had work. It was nice to get one on one quality time with them. They were a great help this year carrying things in/unloading the van (which was pretty packed). Then we walked the boardwalk, went out to eat, visited the beach, scootered around, visited playgrounds, went to get their hair wraps done, etc. It was a really nice time.
Once Matt and Lisa and Bruce came, we had a nice week. We spent most mornings having a nice breakfast outside on the front porch, followed by a long bike ride on the boardwalk, followed by hours at the beach relaxing, playing bocci ball, jumping the waves, "surfing", building sandcastles, etc. Then at night we'd have a nice dinner together, play uno or a game, relax. Jayne, Ed, Ethan and his girlfriend also came down for a day which was great since the girls LOVE Ethan.

Matt and I also celebrated our 12 year anniversary while we were down there. Matt had suggested that we renew our vows together. We went out to our favorite place down there with a gorgeous view of the water, then walked to the beach, sat down and saw the sunset while exchanging our beautiful vows to each other. It was really special.

While we were down there, Lisa and Bruce also purchased their own condo. They have been toying with the idea of getting one for a last few years, but they were kind of waiting to see what we decided to do for living situation I think. Plus they were back and forth on it due to finances, and it being further away (their plan is to leave Boonton in a few years once they retire, and spend part of the year in the Poconos, and part of it now in Wildwood. Lisa was concerned about it being 2.5 hours away, but I reassured her that we'd gladly spend the extra hour of driving to visit them there (it's worth the extra hour to go there vs. the Poconos which our family doesn't particularly care about).
So, they bought a place. We are all pretty excited. I know that one of my posts not too long ago was complaining about the area and how I still hate some of it. It is still true. There are parts that I will never love (or even like about here). However, when the weather is warm and ideal for me (for the 4 short months that are ideal for me), I can have a much more positive outlook on the place. I can actually step back and appreciate the good parts. Even though the town of Oakland isn't anything to write home about in my opinion, the LOCATION of it is pretty great--we are 40 minutes from NYC, just 2.5 hours to moms, which aside from family offers us a beautiful, peaceful area that I really enjoy now as an adult. We are now 2.5 hours from a beach house, which we can enjoy on a slightly more regular basis for a few months out of the year. We have close access to country and nature, lots of good opportunities for kids, and we have a fantastic school district. I need to reread this in the long winter months. But there is good here. I'm hoping that having access to a beach place will add to more satisfaction to living here, since Matt and I are both beach people. And even though it's 2.5 hours away which is a bit of a hassle, the good part is that it's 2.5 hours SOUTH, and it's always slightly warmer down there which means you get a slightly longer season to enjoy it.

Anyway, after we got back, we worked, then had friends over for the day, then the next day my cousin and her family of 5 came to visit for a few days. The cooking and cleaning part of hosting anyone is always exhausting, but other than that it was such a great visit. They kids all played soooo well together, and Krissy, Conan, Emma Grace, Matt and I all enjoyed lots of nice talks and visiting time. It was wonderful. Another thing I can appreciate and be thankful for with living where I do, it allows for opportunities for them to come and visit with us.

During (and after) their visit, we have also had lots of running around. Ashley is in a play through the library called Dooby Dooby Moo. In fact, the show is tonight. But we have been running to play practice 2 nights a week, plus she was doing piano lessons one night a week. Then Emily was doing Safety Town, which the school encourages kids going into Kindergarten to do to reinforce safety issues. Then we had playdates, library classes, visiting with cousins, and pool parties in between. We also went to the girls very first concert. Since Ashley (and soon Emily) is a Girl Scout, Taylor Swift was giving Girl Scouts 2 free tickets to her concert. Then Matt's coworker had won some tickets as well, so we got to go for free. Matt and I aren't huge Taylor Swift fans, however I must say she put on a fantastic concert. It's probably one of the best performances I've been too--she had cool effects such as these huge snakes coming up from the ground, she had the light up wristbands for the crowd that changes colors to the music, she had fireworks, confetti, a ball that floated her across from one stage to another (which happened to be very close to where we were sitting). It was great. Unfortunately it rained (and it's outdoors) on and off through the night, which put a little damper on things (literally, haha), but it didn't stop the fun (plus we were prepared with ponchos).
It's funny. Ashley is very much like my mom. Both are very chatty all the time, and Ashley is very loud. However, they are both auditorally sensitive. So when the opening musician was on, Ashley was saying it was "deafening". Luckily we got ear plugs for the girls and it was ok after that. But when the opening performers were on, Ashley was sitting there looking bored (and a little uncomfortable with the noise), but as soon as Taylor Swift came on, she was singing, dancing, and totally rocking out to the music. Too cute. Emily had a blast dancing too. Unfortunately the concert ran a little late into the night, and Emily is too young and was tired and ready to leave before the end. But we still enjoyed a large part of it.

Last week the girls started a 3 week camp at Oakland Rec. I had Ashley do this camp prior to starting Kindergarten as well, since both girls did half days at preschool (and not every day), in order to prepare them for all day long days at kindergarten. They have been enjoying it. They get to see some of their friends, go on water slides and sprinklers, do crafts, etc.

I haven't had a chance to really enjoy the quiet times yet, as I had work stuff to do (in addition to my office job, I have been starting off with my SC online job as well), and getting things together for that. Then Krissy and Conan came back for a couple more nights since they had an event in NYC, so got ready for company, plus some errands.
So today is really the first day of nothing. And I have been basking in the nothing, as I am pooped and in need of this peace and quiet. I know myself very well, and I am all about balance in every shape and form. I enjoy lots of fun and all the great activities, but I also need some down time, and peace and quiet at times (which I haven't had much, if any with the girls being home for the summer). The last few days I have been a little snappy toward the girls, just because of these reasons, so I am glad to have a few days to get some mental health rejuvenation in.

BUT, all good things. Great summer so far.

The Let Go

I just have a few minutes before I need to go to the girls LAST DAY of school parties, but I wanted to take a minute to reflect.

So, today marks the end of an era. It is the final day of preschool EVER for us. We had Emily's graduation ceremony on Wednesday night. All these moms had said how they would be balling. I didn't cry. I sat there with a big, happy, proud smile on my face because I felt happy and proud.

Today however, I cried leaving Emily's preschool. Emily has the cutest morning routine. We go in, and every morning we stop to give hugs to Emily's teachers from last year. Then we go up to her buddy Anthony's class, and he runs and gives her a hug. Half the time no words are even exchanged, just a big embrace. As the school year went on, half of the class would also give her hugs.

So today, giving our last hugs just tugged at my heart strings. First we stopped at Mrs. Pfeiffer  and Mrs. Apicella's class. Mrs. Apicella holds a very special place in my heart. Despite living in NJ, she is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She is very thoughtful and truly loves the kids. She always remembers and asks about specific details with each child. I even hugged them today and told them how much we would miss them.

Then we gave our last hugs to Anthony's classroom, although thankfully Anthony will be at Manito with Emily next year.
Then we went to Emily's class. Like I said, I didn't cry at graduation. But I was telling her teacher, Mrs. Walsh, that I did cry the next day when I opened up her backpack and read a special note she had written to Emily. It said "Dear Emily--Wow! I can't believe the year is over. You have grown so much. Just be your joyful self next year and you will be great. You were so helpful to so many friends in our class. Thank you for making them feel happy. I'm sending you home with a special book. I think you are very much like Princess Elizabeth in the story. Stay that way! Share this book with your mom and sister. Keep it safe in case you need a reminder of Girl Power! Enjoy your summer. Love, Mrs. Walsh." It was taped to a book called the Paper Bag Princess, which was a story about a typical beautiful princess whose fiancé prince was captured by a dragon. The dragon had burned everything they owned, so she had to wear a paper bag. She tracked down the dragon, outsmarted him with her wits, then freed the prince. He didn't like that she was tarnished and wearing a paper bag, so she ditched him. They didn't get married. But SHE lived happily every after". I loved it. And it is so fitting.
So, sharing how much that meant to me, then her teachers saying how much they loved her was the tipping point. By the time I was saying goodbye to the owners, I was crying. LOL.

It was sweet and emotional with Ashley, but when it's your oldest, it's like they are big kids, and this is the next step. But when it's the baby, whose no longer a baby, and this is the last time, and the last goodbye....oh my.

Even Ashley had a moment recently where it made me realize I am bracing for the big "let go" someday. We live in really close distance to the elementary school. You walk to the end of the block (where there is a sweet old man for the crossing guard), walk another half a block (where another crossing guard is), and you're at their school. Technically, Ashley would probably be fine walking herself to school by next year with her maturity and the safety of the area. However, I will probably wait until later since I don't feel comfortable letting a kindergartener walk alone. But, I did say that I would walk further behind so that Ashley can practice walking on her own and feel comfortable for when she does it. So, we did that. We got to the corner at the top of her school, and she was like "I'm fine walking myself for the rest". So I let her go. And as I watched her walk herself down, I had that realization that this was the beginning of letting her go. She's growing up. Another choke up moment. But happy of course. You want your kids to grow up and be independent and confident of course. But the let go sure is bitter sweet.

Anyway, I am off to go attend their last day of school parties. I am so thankful that I have the kind of part time job that allows me to be at their special events. And thankful for my husband who works hard so that I can as well.

Sweet moments, sweet memories....